Stream of Consciousness #01
On limits, taking breaks, and YouTube.
nitially, I was going to make this somewhat of an apology/excuse post for pulling a random disappearing act and then I realised I genuinely don’t care enough to. That realisation came with a bout of confusion because I genuinely didn’t know what to comeback with and then it kind of led into a long, long inner discussion about my limits, what I can and feel comfortable doing, and why I find myself in this loop of constantly being fed up. Insert this post.
Let me preface this saying this is not meant to be a dig at anyone, it’s not meant to come for anyone and it’s really not to meant hurt anyone’s feelings. To be frank, this really isn’t about anyone and more about me. If I’m going to chat like this, I’m going to be selfish about it.
I am an unfortunate type of person. I know that sounds dramatic and like an exaggeration, but it genuinely isn’t. And I’m also not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s actually a neutral thing. I’m a person at that looks at the glass both half empty and half full and never really sways towards one side or another frankly because I tend to not care about either side of the equation. They’re both too drastic in some way and I hate things that are drastically swayed in one direction or another. The thing is, this neutral mentality and, I guess to some extent, ideology is what makes me unfortunate.
In between being uncaring towards picking a “decisive” side on things—even though, neutrality is a decisive side, but that’s a party for a different bus—and being so neutral that I am the ultimate Devil’s Advocate without meaning to, my neutrality has become something that I use as a stepping stone.
What I mean is that because I’m completely neutral on things and how to approach things, I end up never being able to understand my own limits nor do I ever end up really setting proper goals. What ends up happening is that I get these ideas and wants to do things, I place myself in the position to get them done and even if it’s too much to some people, my mind immediately begins to work around how to make it work. That doesn’t seem like an issue of neutrality, but it actually is.
Think about it like this. If I was someone on either end of the spectrum I would either be really excited to have a load like this and look at it as something amazing or I would be rather cynical towards the load and view it as a bother. As a neutral thinking person, I don’t feel anyway towards it. It’s simply something that has
to be done because it’s something that, at that point in time, I want. Instead of trying to work with it and organise things into shelves that other people subconsciously do—i.e. Want A is more important than Want B; however Want B is a short-term situation that can be easily achieved while Want A is something that needs to be worked towards—my mind sees all wants as things that are on an even level.
There’s no hierarchy in my head at all and because of that, it’s incredibly hard to find, let alone, know, my limits.
The thing about limits is that, for most people, you find your limits by pushing yourself past your peak and seeing where it becomes an issue to keep pushing without there being negative repercussions. Of course, as time progresses and you learn to work with your limits, you can surpass them and aim for new limits. For me, that’s not how life works.
I live in a loop of doing things. Something that would limit someone else, is not a limit to me if it’s something I want. And that sounds, motivational and like a good idea, but it’s not. The thing about not knowing your limits or being able to find your limits is that you burn out really quickly. What you do and your output is relatively high, but your crashes are just as high and frequent.
It’s not fun and is actually, what I discovered during my inner discussion, what forces me into so many unannounced breaks and hiatuses in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my mental health plays a huge factor in why I just ghost sometimes; however, my neutrality and inability to know my limits is what really has an effect on things. It’s especially a problem when it comes to blogging.
Recently, I took a bit of a break from blogging because of this. I took on so many new things recently that, when I look at my schedule sometimes, I can understand why it’s sometimes frightening to my mates. In between suddenly having to pick up full-time hours to preparing for summer classes—and being swamped with schoolwork enough to maybe miss celebrating my birthday—to picking up outside courses, preparing for driving school, and looking into certification programs, my schedule has reached a certain level that should be daunting to me.
And it’s not. The only daunting thing out of this equation, and it always happens to be the daunting aspect of things, is blogging. Blogging is the one thing that is incredibly daunting to me when my schedule picks up. Thinking about it now, the reason blogging is so daunting to me is because for how much I adore it, it is the epitome of my neutrality. There’s not a niche that I feel comfortable fitting into, there’s no real sense of home that I feel when it comes to my blog—where I, personally, feel a huge part of Teacup Club or A Film Club—and it doesn’t really have a tone. It’s everything that is so real to me being neutral that it actually unsettles me at times and I find that when I need the break, breaking off from it weighs me down less than anything else.
Man, sometimes I realise just how much I prattle in these prattles and am constantly baffled by my constant spewing of bullshite. I lost my point somewhere along the way, but whatever, I obviously needed to vent and it made sense in my head.
Moving on from that and onto something happier, guess who’s doing the YouTube thing again? Actually, I don’t many of you know my history with YouTube and my constant departures and returns to YouTube. I’ve always had a want to do the YouTube thing, but I legitimately hate being in front of a camera—something I learned my first couple time doing the YouTube—and so I decided that I would just be one of those Timelapse YouTubers.
I’m having so much fun doing it. I mean, I complain a lot about having to edit, but I genuinely loved it. It’s kind of filled the void that I felt was missing in my life and gives me an excuse to try and get better at editing. I love it.
That said, I know that I’m pretty niche with the type of videos I make and only really do timelapse designs and codes, but I like having an excuse to share my processes with people. I don’t feel the urge to beg for subscribers since this is strictly for fun to me—hell, I don’t even monetise videos—but if you’re interested, here’s my channel
I’m done. I got to vent. I got to share my YouTube. I’m not going to say I’m fully back yet—not with my schedule—but I feel infinitely more at ease doing this blogging thing again than I’ve felt in months.
I’m passing the torch to y’all. How’re you lot doing? Ever just needed to vent? Did I make any sense? Chat with me! ♡
Labels: category: lifestyle, series: stream of consciousness